


I wish I was better (but it's kinda my fault, isn't it?)

by the_beloved_phoenix



Series: but it's kinda my fault, isn't it? (dadschlatt) [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Cussing, DadSchlatt, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28537827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_beloved_phoenix/pseuds/the_beloved_phoenix
Summary: It's a fic written for my friend! They requested a dadschlatt fic, and I delivered. Not super long, but full of pain, with fluff!Schlatt might not be cut out for this whole.. dad thing. And it doesn't help when some people are more than slightly judgemental of his parenting skills. But he swore not to be his father. He has to do it. For Tubbo.Can he?Teen&up for cussing only! Enjoy!
Relationships: Jschlatt & Toby Smith | Tubbo
Series: but it's kinda my fault, isn't it? (dadschlatt) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2096079
Comments: 32
Kudos: 137





	1. the kid

**Author's Note:**

  * For [starwarsaubs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starwarsaubs/gifts).



> I am aware it won't let me tab. I am sorry for the formatting. forgive. please.

“Tubbo?” Schlatt asked the little boy who was clinging to his bee plushy, even in his sleep. He didn’t stir, and Schlatt smiled at him, softly, worry creasing his brow.

“Tubbo, I don’t.. I don’t think I can- god- how do you- fuck that.” He said, unsuccessfully trying to find a way to tell his boy that he couldn’t..

He’d known for a while that he wasn’t the best at being a dad. He tried- he tried so damn hard, but he wasn’t cut out for it, not now, not when he still had so much to do, to learn, and.. Tubbo deserved better.

He sighed, shaking his head. He couldn’t do it, not.. Not yet. Not tonight. He already knew Philza was willing to take him, and god knows Tubbo couldn’t stay with him. But that didn’t stop him from wishing he could keep him.

He sat down in a chair next to the crib Tubbo slept in, pushing his hair back from his face. Surely he could keep him. He’d figure something out. He always had, and Tubbo wasn’t unhappy.

He actually couldn’t remember a time when he’d seen him actually upset, beyond simply wanting food or sleep.

He laughed as Tubbo mumbled in his sleep. Most of Tubbo’s sentences didn’t make any sense, but he loved to listen to the kid talk anyways, even if it wasn’t any actual words.

He fell asleep to the sound of Tubbo’s mumbling, and the wind rustling through the trees.

**********

“Hey Tubbo, wakey wakey.” He said, picking him up out of the crib, careful not to drop the bee that Tubbo loved. Tubbo opened his eyes sleepily, yawning at his dad, before just snuggling closer to his chest and closing his eyes again.

“No, Tubbo, you gotta wake up. I have to get to work, okay?” He said, holding Tubbo aways from him so that he’d hopefully wake up. Tubbo opened his eyes and made grabby motions towards him, trying to get his dad to hold him closer again.

Schlatt laughed and hugged him, before setting him down, ruffling his hair. “Let’s get you dressed, okay buddy?” He asked, and Tubbo giggled at him, making his bee fly through the air while he found some clothes for him to wear.

Tubbo frowned when his dad took his bee away so he could get dressed, but didn’t argue, deciding to just let him do what he wanted. When he was done being dressed, Schlatt picked him up, hugging him, and as he leaned down to pick up the bee, Tubbo grabbed at his horns, tugging on them. It didn’t hurt him, but Tubbo liked to play with them, so Schlatt sighed, setting him on his shoulders to where he could easily play with his horns.

“Stay there, okay?” He told the kid, who was excitedly surveying the world from this height while using his tiny hands to hold the curved horns. He hadn’t liked his horns until the day Tubbo had decided to climb onto the couch so he could play with them, when he and Tubbo had been sitting on the floor. It was one of Tubbo’s favourite things to do now, especially whenever his dad had work to do.

Tubbo didn’t have any of his own, but he’d explained patiently to the baby that he’d get them when he got older. He didn’t know how he’d ever hated them, something that made his boy that happy.

He sighed, grabbing a water bottle for Tubbo, and placing it into his tiny backpack, which was adorned with bees. He put Tubbo’s stuffed bee in the bag too, and grabbed his own stuff before heading out, leaving Tubbo on his shoulders, letting him watch the world.

**********

“Hey tubbo! What’s up, kid?” He exclaimed, walking into the daycare center’s playroom. Tubbo was sitting at a table, drawing, but when he saw his dad, he stood, running over to him and hugging him.

He laughed before picking the kid up. “What were you drawing?” He asked, walking over to the table that he’d been sitting at.

Tubbo pointed excitedly at the paper, which Schlatt picked up, inspecting the drawing to find that it was of the two of them, and a bee, all with horns.

He smiled at Tubbo. “I guess you did listen when I said it was a family trait, didn’t you, buddy?” He asked, picking up the bee toy next to the drawing before heading out, grabbing his backpack on the way out. In the lobby stood two older boys, Techno and Wilbur, watching Tommy protectively. Tubbo reached for Tommy when Schlatt walked by them, so he stopped, setting him down, crouching next to him.

Tubbo walked over to Tommy, rambling excitedly, using words he was pretty sure didn’t actually exist, and Tommy smiled at him, offering him one of the toys he was playing with. Tubbo took it, and began to play with Tommy.

Schlatt heard the door open and close, but didn’t bother to look. It was probably Philza, and.. He didn’t need another lecture about Tubbo’s safety and wellbeing from that man.

“Wil, Techno, Tommy, it’s time to go.” He heard Philza say. He’d been right. He felt Philza’s hand on his shoulder, looked up to see the older man standing above him.

“Tubbo, come here.” Schlatt said, ignoring Philza, holding his arms out to his boy. Tubbo smiled and walked over to him, and Schlatt took the toy out of Tubbo’s hand as he picked him up.

He handed the toy to Tommy, ignoring Philza’s hand still on his shoulder, turning to walk away.

“Schlatt… you can’t keep-” Philza started, concern in his tone.

“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want, Philza, he’s my kid.” Schlatt snapped back at him, and Philza just sighed as he walked away.

Tubbo was frowning as they walked away, and Schlatt didn’t know if it was because he’d snapped at Philza or because he wanted to stay. But either way… He’d be fine.

_Right?_

**********

Tubbo was crawling around the kitchen floor as Schlatt cooked, something he hadn’t ever enjoyed but was more than willing to do to make sure Tubbo was okay. To be more precise, Tubbo was chasing Schlatt’s feet around the kitchen, trying to catch him. For what reason, Schlatt didn’t know. He’d already offered to hold Tubbo, but he’d refused.

He finally finished cooking, and had already put the food on a plate for Tubbo, who had decided that sitting just wasn’t something he did. Tubbo had figured out a while ago how to get out of his high chair, but had yet to figure out how to safely get down, something which made Schlatt decide not to use it.

“Come on, Tubbo, just eat, then you can play, or nap, or whatever.” He offered, and Tubbo shook his head, mumbling something at him that he didn’t understand. Schlatt sighed, picking him up and setting him in his lap as he sat at the table, holding Tubbo in place.

“Eat, okay, kid?” He said, trying not to get mad.

Tubbo shook his head, doing his best to climb out of his dad’s lap, in the process nearly falling. Schlatt set him down.

Why did kids have to be so frustrating?

“Tubbo, just eat. Please.” he asked his kid, and Tubbo looked at him, then the food, then shook his head again, stumbling away, saying something in a tone that sounded like it was meant to be quite rude.

He groaned, going back to pick up Tubbo’s bee, hoping it’d make him decide to come back and at least try the food.

Tubbo instead decided to cry.

When Schlatt insisted that in order to get the bee, he had to come over to the table, Tubbo made grabby hands at the bee while crying. Schlatt shook his head.

“Tubbo, if you don’t come over here, I can’t give you the bee, just.. Eat. and then you can-”

He was cut off by more crying, and he groaned, walking over to the kid, offering him the plate. Tubbo promptly hit it, spilling it onto the floor. Schlatt sighed, before moving to go clean it up.

Tubbo decided to play with the food that was on the floor, and Schlatt picked him up, placing him on the counter. “Tubbo, stay here.” He said to the boy, who decided to cry again, unhappy that the food was no longer there for him to play with.


	2. lost

Tubbo was laying on the couch, fast asleep, having been placed there originally for just a moment. Schlatt was reluctant to move him, though, when he’d been so difficult all night. He’d been trying to get him to sleep early because he needed to get work done.

So he sat down in the chair opposite Tubbo and got his laptop out, beginning to type. He hated how demanding his job, but it meant Tubbo was okay. That was enough for him, honestly.

**********

He didn’t even realize how many hours had passed until he looked at the clock. One am. He glanced over at the couch where Tubbo was sleeping, smiling at-

 _Fuck. fuckfuckfuck_. Where was he? Schlatt looked around, beginning to panic.

“Tubbo??” He called, hoping to hear the little boy respond.

Nothing except the hum of the fridge and the whirr of his laptop. He stood, practically dropping his computer on the ground, frantically beginning to search the house, checking under the couches, in the cabinets, in his room-

There was an open window in Tubbo’s room, and one that he could have fit through. Schlatt was full on panicking now, and he had to fight the urge to grab something to calm himself, an old habit, instead rushing outside, hoping to whatever god existed that Tubbo was okay. There were monsters, if he got too far away, too far from the light, and they lived on the edge of town.

“Tubbo?!” He yelled, pure fear racing through his mind.

He couldn’t- not like this, not- Tubbo had to be safe, he couldn’t-

He rushed back into the house to grab his shoes and a sword, grabbing Tubbo’s bee at the last second. He couldn’t think of- of what would happen if something was- if someone else had found him- what-

He rushed down the road, headed away from the village. Tubbo liked to visit the flower fields that were only twenty minutes away from their house, liked to see the bees and cows there. Maybe he’d wandered that way?

He ran, ran until he got there, searching for Tubbo the whole time. He couldn’t see Tubbo in the darkness, with all the grass and flowers littering the field. He yelled his name again, and heard only a zombie groan in response.

_No, Tubbo, no fuck you have to be safe, please, you can’t-_

He raced across the field, stabbing a few zombies on the way, yelling his son’s name the whole time.

Eventually, he heard a response, but it wasn’t the one he’d wanted.

“Schlatt?” He heard a familiar voice call out.

“Yeah?” he replied, reluctantly, desperate. He looked in the direction the voice had come from, and saw Philza, a netherite sword in one hand, a baby in the other.

“Where the _fuck_ were you?” Philza demanded as he rushed over to him, holding out his arms for his child.

“I- I was home, he was asleep, and he- he likes to leave the window open so i-”

“He’s not a toy, Schlatt, take care of your _fucking child_ or _I will_.” Philza said, and Tubbo looked up at his dad, eyes wide, before looking at Philza.

Tubbo reached for his dad, making grabby hands, but Philza didn’t hand him over. He wasn’t done lecturing.

“If you can’t take care of your kid then fucking admit it, Schlatt. Are you drunk right now? Because that’s the only possible reason I can think of for you to be so goddamn careless, and even that’s a shit excuse. You’re a dad, Schlatt, so act like it, or stop being one. Kids aren’t just toys you can put to the side, they’re not something you can ignore because they get annoying. So man the fuck up, or quit trying.” Philza said, beginning to walk back to the town, fighting off the monsters that came towards them effortlessly, even with only one free hand.

Schlatt didn’t say anything to that. There wasn’t anything to say. He’d fucked up, and he knew it. So did Philza.

Philza hadn’t handed him Tubbo once, leaving him asleep in his crib, giving Schlatt murderous glances. If looks could kill, Schlatt would have died a while ago. When Schlatt had moved towards the crib to place Tubbo’s bee next to him, Philza had moved his hand to the hilt of his sword.

The message was pretty obvious. If he did anything that could hurt Tubbo, he’d be dead.

Philza had been eyeing him the whole time, looking as though he expected the man to stumble, or something. He still thought he was drunk.

Schlatt led Philza to the living room, not wanting to wake Tubbo. Philza took in the scene- a tiny blanket, laying on the couch, and his laptop, cast to the side.

“Philza, t-”

“What kind of _fucking idiot_ just lets his son get that far away, get that lost, without _noticing_?” Philza asked him, cutting off his thanks.

“I didn’t mean to- he was asleep, normally he sleeps just fine- he never-”

“Schlatt, you were clearly working on.. Whatever that is.” He pointed out, gesturing to the laptop. “You pick your kid up late every day, and now you’re ignoring him at home too? If you don’t want to be a father, then don’t. An incompetent father is worse than none at all, and you’re being pretty useless at it.”

Schlatt didn’t have any sort of defense for that, but he was going to try anyways, he couldn’t just let him say that. “I’m doing my best, Philza, not everyone is you. Besides, you pick up every orphan you see- regardless of any qualifications you should have beforehand.” He said, trying and failing to make his words sting as badly as Philza’s had.

  
"Yeah. And you know what I do after adopting my kids? I make sure they’re fucking safe, happy, and I don’t let them roam the fields full of monsters after dark! Besides that, I give them attention more often than just when they cry for it! They’re kids!” Philza retorted, annoyance seeping through.

“You can’t just-”

“I can’t what, Schlatt, give me _one_ good reason I should leave him here? Because he certainly wouldn’t be safer, and it’s not as if he wouldn’t have friends.” Philza snapped, and he went silent.

_Oh._

“He’s my kid.” Schlatt said, and both of them ignored the pain in his voice as he said that, something Schlatt was grateful for.

“Then be a _fucking dad_ , Schlatt, or I will.” Philza said, before storming out of the house. He didn’t close the door behind him, and as Schlatt moved to close it, he found himself crying.

“Tubbo…” He mumbled, his voice cracking as he did.

No one had told him it was this hard to be a dad, and he- he wasn’t sure he could do it, but he couldn’t lose Tubbo, not.. He _couldn’t_.

He couldn’t… He looked up, at the ceiling, his back to the door he’d just closed, before sitting at the base of it, cradling his head in his hands.

“Tubbo- I’m so sorry, Tubbo, I didn’t- I don’t want- I didn’t want you to get hurt, you weren’t supposed to…” He trailed off, his breathing heavy, tears still flowing down, making a puddle on the floor.

“Dada?” He heard a tiny voice say, and his breath caught. He looked up, down the hallway, to see Tubbo standing at the doorway to his room, having pushed the door open.

It took him a minute to realize, through the tears, that it was the first actual word Tubbo had said. In that time, Tubbo had walked over to him, and was crawling into his lap.

“You okay Tubbo?” He asked, and Tubbo looked at his tears before hugging him.

“Dada.” He repeated, and Schlatt nodded.

“Yeah Tubbo, that’s me.” He said, smiling, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to keep falling. He couldn’t…

He could have lost him, he could have- he never would have gotten to hear him say that, gotten to hear Tubbo ask for him.

The tears started to fall again, and Tubbo noticed them, frowning up at his dad before hugging him again. He must have thought that hugs fixed crying, since that was what his dad always did when he started crying.

It worked, too, holding Tubbo close to him always made both of them calm down, always made Tubbo happy again even when his bee wouldn’t. The same bee that Tubbo had climbed out of his lap to grab, handing it to him happily.

“You’re giving me your bee?” He asked, softly.

“Dada bee!!” Tubbo exclaimed, and Schlatt laughed, happily, watching as Tubbo’s face lit up when he laughed.

“Nah, Dada’s not a bee. Tubbo likes bees, though, doesn’t he?” Schlatt asked, picking up both Tubbo and the bee, holding them close to him.

“Dada!! Bee!!” Tubbo repeated, and Schlatt ruffled his hair, kissing the top of his head in an unusually affectionate move. He needed sleep, and so did Tubbo.

“Well, Tubbo, how about you go to sleep with Bee, and then dada can go to sleep too?” He suggested, glancing at the clock as he stood.

1:40 AM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pain? maybe. I did warn you. :)
> 
> yes. tubbo's first word is that. thank you.


	3. sorry.

He found himself talking to Tubbo while he was asleep later that week, unable to get Philza’s words out of his head. So he sat in the chair beside Tubbo’s crib, waiting to fall asleep, and began asking him questions.

He didn’t expect him to answer. But he needed to ask anyways.

“Tubbo… do you- would you be happier with.. With Philza, and Tommy, and.. Am I..?” he asked, unable to finish his sentence. Everyone had told him from the very beginning that he’d be a shit father. He’d tried so hard, though, and.. He thought he was succeeding. But what if.. What if they were right?

He’d never wanted to be like his own dad, and… If he was, he’d.. He’d told himself he’d be willing to give Tubbo up if it meant Tubbo would be happier.

At the time, he thought he could do it. He knew- He knew Tubbo deserved the best life that he could get. But he..

The way he’d started running towards him exclaiming “dada!” every time he saw his dad after daycare, and the way he liked to climb onto his shoulders to play with his horns… He didn’t want to give that up. That was _his_ , not Philza’s, he hadn’t…

“Tubbo, you know I- you know I can’t- I’m sorry, Tubbo, I don’t- I’m not-” He said, a sob cutting him off.

 _Fuck_.

He was crying again.

He’d nearly lost Tubbo once, and it hadn’t been his fault. If he gave Tubbo to Philza, that’d mean… it’d mean admitting that he couldn’t do it. That he was exactly like his father, and he-

“Tubbo, I’m sorry, you.. I love you, so so much kid, but you- I can’t- it’s not you, kid, I promise, I just..” He rambled, apologizing, wanting Tubbo to know that he hadn’t done anything wrong, that it wasn’t his fault he’d been given a dad who was so shit at being one.

He picked Tubbo up, out of the crib. If he.. If he wasn’t going to spend much longer with him, he was going to spend every second of it holding his kid.

Tubbo woke up when he picked him up, and Schlatt rocked him back to sleep, kissing his forehead gently, mumbling to Tubbo about how amazing he was.

“Go back to sleep, Tubbo, you’ll be safe, you’ll be fine, you’re so amazing and I love you and you don’t need to worry, I promise, it’s okay, you’ll be okay, I love you so much, and you can sleep now, okay?” He rambled, before continuing on, Tubbo’s eyes fluttering closed as he rocked him.

**********

Tubbo was playing with his bee on the floor as Schlatt packed his things. He didn’t.. He was fighting back his tears, fighting to stay strong. For Tubbo.

He was sitting by the dresser, taking the clothes he’d shoved into a drawer and folding them before putting them into the bag. He looked over at Tubbo, who was holding his hands up to his head, making them look like he had horns, before babbling something in a very official tone.

Schlatt closed his eyes, looking away from Tubbo, as tears started to silently, slowly, fall. He ignored them, continuing to pack. He heard Tubbo mumbling, having what seemed to be a serious conversation with Bee.

He kept packing, having only one shirt left to put into the bag when tiny hands put a bee plushie into his lap. “Dada?” He heard his son ask, and he looked up at him, smiling at the concerned child, who had taken it upon himself to cheer his father up.

“Hey Tubbo- don’t worry, I’m okay, you’re gonna be okay.” He mumbled, pulling his son into his lap, letting his tiny hands grab at his shirt and hold on like-

Well, like this was the last time he’d get to see his dad.

“Dada cry.” Tubbo said, and Schlatt nodded.

“Yeah, dad’s crying, buddy, but it’s not your fault. You know that, right? It’s not your fault. None of it’s your fault, you’re so- you’re so amazing, kid, and you’re gonna-” His breath caught in his throat as he thought of all the great things his kid was gonna do.

All the great things his kid was gonna do, that he wouldn’t get to see.

Tubbo looked up at his dad, eyes wide, and reached for him, wanting a hug. He obliged, hugging his son tightly, holding his head to his chest so that Tubbo couldn’t see when tears started to fall faster, trying to hold back the sobs he hadn’t realized were there until now.

“You didn’t… I’m so sorry, Tubbo, you’re… you deserve so much better, so.. I never meant to-” He said, his voice cracking. Tubbo stayed, hugging his dad, and Schlatt wondered if he understood anything that his dad was saying to him.

Tubbo’s soft “Dada?” didn’t help.

Schlatt pulled away, looking his son in the eyes, smiling at him despite the tears flowing down his face. He wasn’t sure there’d ever be a day when his son didn’t make him smile by simply being himself.

“What is it, Tubbo?” He asked, and Tubbo did the thing with hands again, to make it look like he had horns.

“Yeah, kid, we match. You’ll get yours in a few years, okay? And.. I hope.. I hope when you look in the mirror and see your horns, I hope you remember that.. That you match with someone who loves you, okay?” He asked his kid, and Tubbo nodded excitedly, probably reacting more to his dad’s tone than anything else.

“I’m… I’m sorry, kid. You deserved better. Maybe… maybe someday you’ll grow up, and I’ll get to meet you again, and you’ll… You’ll be as amazing as I know you can be.” He said to his kid, before wiping his tears away, smiling sadly at Tubbo.

“Let’s… lets get you ready to..” He trailed off, picking Tubbo up and carrying him into the kitchen, getting ready to cook his favourite food.

********

It hadn’t been long enough. It’d been a week before he’d been able to work up the courage to do it, and he’d considered getting drunk, just.. Provoking Philza into taking him, but he couldn’t risk Tubbo getting hurt.

Besides that, he wanted Tubbo to know that his dad loved him, even if.. Even if he couldn’t be there for him. It’d be more than he ever got out of _his_ dad.

So when he showed up at Philza’s door and knocked, Tubbo wrapped in a blanket with his bee, fast asleep, he debating just leaving. Keeping Tubbo, and not letting-

Tubbo deserves better. He reminded himself as the door opened to reveal Philza. Philza, who took in the sight of Schlatt, who looked a mess, eyes red from crying and clothing wildly disheveled, holding Tubbo, and a bag that looked to be full with Tubbo’s stuff.

“Come in.” He offered immediately, and Schlatt shook his head. He knew if he went inside he’d try to talk himself out of it, try to keep Tubbo. Philza nodded.

“What did.. Why did..” Philza trailed off, a lame attempt at trying to make the conversation easy. They both knew why he was here, and they both knew it wouldn’t be easy.

“I… he deserves better. Please.” Schlatt managed, his voice broken, pleading. Philza nodded, sadly.

“Do you- do you want to visit him?”

“I…” Schlatt wanted to say yes, but.. He didn’t want to hurt Tubbo, and visiting wasn’t… wouldn’t help him. He wouldn’t understand why he didn’t stay, why he..

“It… I shouldn’t.” He finally said, and Philza nodded, reaching out to take Tubbo from him.

Schlatt hugged him one final time, mumbling “love you, kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If people like it, I'll probably write a sequel following the whole execution thing, but the fluff is over, kids. (not that it didn't hurt)  
> lmk in the comments if I should? 
> 
> Im seriously shook that so many people like this fic??! like?? this many kudos?? so soon?? i can't- yall are SO NICE thank you


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